Missed school today. Spent the day sleeping and wondering.
Days like these makes me a little more depressed. I don't message no one and nobody messages me. I don't talk too much with my family. I don't do anything. Makes me feel like I have no purpose.
Everyday i'm programmed to go to school, study, talk to people, go back to my house and sleep. When I don't do any of that, I feel like a disgrace to the world. I'm not doing my purpose. If you read a lot of books, doesen't this feels familiar to you?
If it does, that's because of Franz Kafka. In the book 'The metamorphosis', the main character, Gregor Samsa, feels tied to it's job, and is afraid of being fired. When he turns, as a metaphor, into a giant bug, he is dehumanized, because he doesen't have any purpose anymore.
His family grew distant, and eventualy, killed him. What i'm trying to prove is that, you have a purpose until you don't do what you're programmed to do. And you will get dehumanized for it. Another thing we learn with Gregor, is that you shouldn't trust no one. He did so much for his family to feel loved and cherished by them, and in the end, got killed by them. We do so much things in our lives to be recognized and loved, but nothing matters. When you aren't doing what you are programmed to, you're not important.
I'd say that's an absurd. That's why Albert Camus talks a lot about this Kafka book in 'The Myth of Sisyphus', because this is life. This is what we are fated for the rest of our lives and we can't escape from it.
Today, perhaps not only oday, i've been with a cruel doubt. Maybe the only exit to this absurd is really suicide, and I should kill myself today. But, sadly, i'm afarid I can't, since i'm programmed to have a presentation at school, tomorrow.
"The poet is a pretender, he pretends so completely that he even pretends that the pain he really feels is pain." Fernando Pessoa.
Fernando Pessoa was a very famous portuguese poet, he even is one of the most famous portuguese icon in the literature of Portugal. His poetry was famous for impling philosophic thoghts on it, and mostly famous know as the man with more than 40 personalities. Yet, his poetry was not so sad. Thats were his prhase kicks in.
There's pretty much two interpretations for this phrase;
Yes, the poet is a pretender. It's pain nor suffering never existed, it just writes sad things to people who can really relate. To people who want to find confort in the poetry, to all the lonely people who thinks that poetry can make their suffer disappear if heard from another, more likely, an famous nor know author/poet. Making sadness and suffering a subtle beauty, which only an pretender can achieve. That's the Pessoa's perspective about a poet's mind.
Or, yes, in fact, the poet IS a pretender! It pretends to be happy, while only beign able to express himself in the beauty of words, while in the real world he must be tough and recess mostly of it's feelings. Their hand dosen't have any porpouse than to write, their hands dosen't have any porpouse more than to create, as much as their lives dosen't have any porpouse than to pretend to feel something they really can't feel: Happiness, what is happines to a poet when it touches it pen on a piece of paper? What is sadness when a poet is far from his beloved poetry, which is the only way he can express itself?
Well, that's my point about it. The poet pretends to be happy, because the only way to express it's feelings it's trought words. I don't think Pessoa is wrong, but some poets, in fact, write from their hearts.
what do you think?
A lot of philosphers talk about relationships; not only romantic, of any kind. In one hand, Nietzsche says that a relationship must help you grow as a person, not holding you back. In the other hand, Kierkegaard believed that relationships involves a deep commitment to the well-being of the other person and requires self-sacrifice and vulnerability. It's almost the same thing, but these two perspectives have a lot of difference.
One says about the importance of individuality, and the ohter, about existencialism.
To be honest, I don't agree with none. Nietzsche sounds selfish and Kierkegaard sounds like he's focusing only in the other person, forgetting about itself. In my opinion, relationships only make you worse, mostly, the romantic ones.
Why, you may ask? Simply: it's idiot.
You can't trust no one, nor belive. If you get too achatted, in the end, you will feel horrible for losing someone. If you get too confortable, you may irritate the other one. You have to be careful, becouse showing your true self can hurt the other. You never know what someone is thinking about you. The others will never know about what you think about them. In other ways, it can make your life miserable, such as you can make someone's life horrible too. Sometimes, relationships even interrupt you in studies or important things, you never know. For me, that's absurd as hell. Nothings seems good in this life, huh?
But, as much as pessimist I am, there's still good things about it. You know, the feeling of care, that one feeling when a friend compliments you to someone, going out with someone cool, and all that things. It's temporary, but makes you feel well. A little like Kierkegaard said.
(this topic may sounds stupid too but I witnessed my father cry like a newborn after his girlfriend ended relationships with him because they fought badly and he was abusive towards her. Feel bad for the girl but I never tought I'd saw my father cry so much and try to use me so the girl would come back with him and that's the stupidiest thing I saw until now)
I think it's weird to have dreams. One time, I dreamed that I was beign chased, and when I woke up, I felt a touch on my shoulder, but there was no one by my side. What made my brain so scared at a point of imagining the touch of the thing chasing me?
Well, Freud, funder os psychoanalysis, said in his theory known as the "Interpretation of Dreams" that dreams represent a compromise between the conscious and uncouncious mind, that's why most of our dreams are things we desire or thought. There where two times recently that I've dreamed about things I desire, like seeing my dead grandpa again and staying at his old house, and i've dreamed about having an partner. Well, i'm not gonna lie, I have a deep desire to see my grandfather again, but during the partner dream I remember I was thinking about how it's having someone really loving you. This only proves that Freud's psychoanalysis was right.
But, what about my nightmare? Why did I felt this touch? Why would my conscious side think about that during my sleep?
Freud, in this same psychoanalysis, said that nightmares are unsolved conflicts or repressed desires from the uncouscious mind, in a disgused form. They symbolise fears, anxieties and traumatic experiencies that are unresolved issues from us. And, in his theory, our brain thinks that by bringing them up to us will make we have attitude to solve them. Which, I think it doesen't really help our situations, but, the thouch i've felt was like a 'pushing hand' to make me solve my problem.
This isn't the worse nightmare I had. Little Keda had a traumatic one. I was sitting in an park chair, with my father by my side. Suddenly, everything turned red, and my father had disappeard. I woke up very sleepy, but screaming for my father. He then came to me, and irritated asked how I was. I held his hand until I slept again, and he went to the bathroom. But I dreamed about him abandoning mee again in the park chair, as a war tank was beign pointed at me, with everything in an red color. I screamed for my father again, but he was at the bathroom. I continued screaming, but he didn't came. And eventualy i fell asleep, alone.
I don't talk to my father anymore, he went far away, and now has a girlfriend and it's living his best life. During the time I had the dream, he was abusive towards my family, but I didn't want to not have a father figure, besides he beign like that. Freud didn't belive that our dreams are 'future visions', he only belived that it was our deeply diseres. My father going away from my family was a deeply disere, but not having a father anymore was a represseed feeling.
The dream psychoanalysis is very weird, right?
Recently, i've been reading Camus books. And, I noticed that he speaks a lot about the absurd. So, keda here had a big reflection about the absurd. It's like, trying to find a meaning in an irracional life. It's trying to be something or to do something special, besides being impossible. We try to find a purpose in our lives, to escape the absurd, besides we don't have fundaments to do so. The absurd is our universe, our limit, and we can't scape it. So, the absurd connects to suicide. People who commit suicide knows the real meaning of life, which is, to live the absurd. So, they try to escape it.
So, suicide is the only way to escape the absurd life?
Well, for Camus, not at all
Camus said that, besides being an escape to the absurd, it's not the only way. Yea, life can be cruel sometimes but, besides the universe being our limit and indiferent, we, at some point of our lives, will escape the absurd. Not in a death way, but we will. He said that it doesen't matter the age we will discover the exit to the absurd. We have to be brave enough to overcome it.
I think my life is absurd, for sure. But, i hope someday, not only I, people will overcome it. Maybe our world will be a better place. Who knows?
Welcome to the reflections page. Just messing around...
i'm going to add things soon
choose a song !
New reflection added 24/09/04.
,,,Does anyone reads that?